Published October 27, 2011
If I ever find you
It shall be your unending downfall
For your acts of blasphemy
And your acts of cowardice
First
I shall make you
Bring your knees to the ground
I shall be
Cold
Indifferent
As you'd been in the past
You can cry out
In fear
Terror
Regret
But I shall toss my head back
And laugh at your looming plight
Second
I shall hear your screams
Ring through the dark alley
Without a soul
There will be no room for pity
No room for mercy
In exchange for your cowardly sins
Every second shall tick by
Slowly
Taunting you into mad fear
Seizing your sanity with wild hysteria
Third
I shall savor
Your feeble whimpers
As you continue to implore incessantly
Whilst I quench my thirst
With a cocktail
Of victory and the blood of a fallen enemy
Finally you have become my prisoner
Confined to shame
And a labyrinth of hopelessness
Finally you have become a broken spirit
Banished to an abyss for the fallen
-26/10/2011
On the night of Deepavali, as fireworks flew up into the air amidst euphoric celebrations
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
@Snoweary and xhellysmx, merci! I'll keep improving! This poem was after all, written to expel the negativity from myself.
@artsy, thank you! This has nothing to do with Deepavali, except it was written on that day. =P I'll go rectify the spelling error right now.
Very amazing. I thought of Deepavali while I was reading this, since it was yesterday where I live. When I saw the footnote at the bottom, I was thrilled to know that someone else knew about the holiday too! I just have to ask if this were written in a point of view, would it be from Krishna's or the demons? I was thinking Krishna, but he's usually a peaceful deity and doesn't have such masochistic thinking. But I'm not a mind reader..
Moving on to the actual writing.
For the speaker to sound so loathsome of the people/creature he/she's talking to, this sounds very monotonous. Add more descriptions about what the speaker intends the person he/she is talking to to feel. Say something like you want them to go mad.
I didn't really understand this part. Was it the scream, the dark alley, or the person who's without a soul? Be a little more specific.
Good verses, stunning vocabulary. Great job on this. :]
What is the victim imploring about? Why they're doing this to them? What are they going to do to them? Again, be specific.
Dark but descriptive. Good use of description. It shows the feeling of hate is consuming the speaker to no ends. That no matter what the speaker might do to torture the victim, or how the victim might respond, the speaker will get total satisfaction from whatever it is they're doing.
Should be spelled hopelessness.
It flows a bit better if you put a comma after Finally or give it its own line.
I liked the poem, the fact that it related to Deepavali is awesome, because I don't really see many pieces of writing about this subject or holidays from other cultures, but then again I've been on here for about two months... Well done with the subject though! There were some points where I felt you needed to specify things more, and one grammar mistake which is explained in detail above. I didn't find anything else, and if you didn't understand anything or need me to clarify or just talk about it, shoot me a pm.
Hope this helped.
Very well written! I feel like I'm reading a gothic poetry,which is stuffed with strong and brutal emotions you've got in your poem. And I'm looking forward for more works from you
Such a strong emotion you knotted in the poem. I love it. The story telling in the poem is okay and i think it is slightly monotonous. But you managed to described the revenge and hatred in your heart into words. Overall it is a good poem.
Merci! I hope I will write better in future.
Wow. This is truly an amazing poem! I see that the main theme is revenge! It is displayed so well here it's almsot as if I feel the need exhalt revenge against this man! Well written with a great style! I hope to see more of your work and more work by you! =D